Thus far, I have had 2 really bad/discouraging days. One last month, and yesterday. I've always had one issue, as an artist, and I don't know if other artists deal with this, because I've never really stopped to ask. But, I see something in my mind's eye, I understand it, I get it, I want to share it with the world, and when I go to reproduce it or interpret it... well let's just say, my level of artistry is that of a three year old. (In some arts, not all-mainly drawing, but I have slowing been working on that).
So now, with hair school, I am mentally processing what we are shown. I am understanding it. I get it. I know why it has to be done the way I am shown. Yet, when I go to do it....
Well, it just does not happen that way. hahahaha (Mind, Be Kind), on top of that, my timing is very slow, and I know it's because I am spending it thinking thru what and how I want to accomplish the work set before me. I do slightly think there is some perfectionism going on there, mixed in with some obsessive attributes. This has worked well for me at home as a home maker and the past 3.5 years that I have run my own business.
I am seeing now that this mentality needs a lot of adjustment. And that is ok, we learn by trial and error. I am willing to change it, I just need to find some tools to help me do so. Currently, I don't feel like I can put confidence in the people I am supposed to put confidence in, in my current situation. Which is interesting, because it gives me that "up against a wall" feeling. Yet, every time I have been "up against a wall" I fight back so hard. I am definitely not afraid to fight back when I get cornered. It's either gonna be the situation or it's gonna be me, and since I can't have it be anything but, it's obviously "gonna beah meah!" (HA! sorry, could NOT resist!).
So, it's time to sit down and have a serious look at what is happening, what needs to change and what needs to continue. I have sacrificed a lot at this point. But after our awesome speaker, Jason Reyes told us his story yesterday, I will no LONGER feel bad for things I can't do. I will do what I can and not commit to more than I can, no matter how badly I want to do it. I have realized that I am terrible at saying no. I am seriously like Jim Carrey in "YES Man"; and that helps only in attitude.
In other words, a YES attitude is what gets you far, I feel; but a NO isn't a no persay, it's more like a "Selah" is, in the Bible, a "let me pause and think", so that I can tell you, "yes, that is doable" or, "at this time I just don't see a way around that, but I love you". And it's not to say that I wouldn't be willing to, but I am learning that it is NOT selfish to take care of one's self first.
I have known this, especially in my field, for a while. If someone comes to you and wants their makeup done for a special event and you show up in jeans and a raggedy tee-shirt that makes no sense, to do their bridal makeup, you may get payed, but you ain't getting a tip! I hate to say appearance is everything, but it is.
One thing that severely irritates me is this. If I decide one day to wear my glasses instead of my contacts for an accessorizing reason or simply just cause (especially since all I have are blue contacts right now and none that are clear); I do my makeup, I look cute, I wear a cute outfit; people will STILL ask me if I am feeling well! And that is just terrible, I feel just fine, all I wanted to do was be cute, and it totally backfired hahahaha - So that has a huge effect on a person, and we are all, to an extent affected by what others say. That is human nature. But the capability to take that and bend it to our will instead of someone else's, is like something a Samurai Warrior does, because that battle is entirely in the mind.
Anyway, I have been successful at makeup artistry for some time now. But I see certain opportunities for growth. Something Jason Reyes said really stood out to me yesterday and I will never forget it,
"if you aren't evolving, you are dissolving".
So go ahead, yell at me, think I am turning in crappy work on purpose, embarrass me in front of my peers, that's totally cool. The more it's done, the more I'll evolve and grow in my various crafts. Fire sets a lot of various kinds of artwork, and perhaps verbal fire is just what the development of this one needs.
Affirmation for this school year,
I am an excellent artist in all aspects of art I am involved in. Makeup, Hair, Styling, Face Painting, Drawing, Design. Art comes easily to me, as is fully mentally attainable, doable and executable. I am a sponge, a quick learner.